When your baby is little and gets her first tooth you are SO excited.
Oh isn't it the sweetest thing, you cry.
And then you have this wonderful little fantasy about when your little baby loses that tooth and how sweet and adorable it will be to play the tooth fairy. You will creep into their room, money in hand, and easily be able to slide the tooth out and put the money under the pillow (who thought of that ridiculous thing anyhow?) without ever having to worry about the child waking.
Well, I'm here to tell you to get that sweet little fantasy right out of your head.
First of all, it will take weeks of wiggling and tugging and moaning about how much the tooth hurts. Then there's the trying to get it out, you can't leave it in because then they will swallow it, so it must come out.
Finally! The day comes when it breaks free (try to ignore the blood dear!) and we all do a little happy dance. It's free! It's free! Tonight the tooth fairy will come!
And in that earlier fantasy about becoming the tooth fairy, you NEVER imagine forgetting about the duty, how could you?
Another fantasy busted.
The first tooth, of course you don't forget, and usually they are fairy young, so they sleep a little sounder. But by the time the fifth or sixth tooth is lost, the appeal of being tooth fairy has been lost. Occasionally you forget the first night, "OH! That silly Tooth Fairy! She must have been pretty busy with teeth last night, I'm sure tonight she will come." Then the next night you place the money on the counter so you will not forget.
At midnight, you creep into the room, flashlight in hand, and maneuver yourself beside the bed. (Ash is in a loft bed so I had to sneak under/beside it) The kids are asleep, you peek-up over the side of the bed, to check the note that the child has left for the Fairy and start reaching up to get it. It is then that the child awakes! You quickly turn off the flashlight and hide in the dark under the bed, willing the child to go back to sleep. She doesn't, she turns ON the freaking light! "Mommy? What are you doing?", "OH! Honey, I'm just looking for a pen! Go back to sleep." Shit. You leave the room. Double Shit, you left the money sitting on the desk below and didn't get the note. Now you have to go back IN.
Where to put the stupid money? You can't go near her head, she will wake up again. You decide on a plan and head back in (after waiting for 10 minutes).
You ditch the flashlight and go blind. You tiptoe in trying not to step on the Littlest Pet Shop animals scattered throughout the room. Creep silently over to the bed, get the money, quick as you can, get the note. Phew, she didn't notice. You hear her move in bed! Crap! Stand silent under the bed. Phew, close call. Then you creep around to the END of the bed and place the envelope with the money inside at the foot of her bed. And get the HELL out of there! Then you walk into your room to see your sweet husband snoring soundly, blissfully un-aware of the trauma you have just endured. You could get a tooth out from under HIS pillow!
In the morning, your darling girl skips in, "Guess what Mommy?! The Tooth Fairy came last night and she left me MONEY! In this cool envelope at the end of my bed!", "Wow, that's great honey. She sure is clever."
Oh, how I am NOT looking forward to doing this another 14 times for her and 40 more times for the other two. Ugh.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Beautiful
So today I was running. I'm building mileage and the going is tough. As much as I love running, this is hard to do and it is easy to tell myself it's OK to stop.
So I had decided that I was doing 32 minutes of a run/walk, running 4 minutes and walking 2 minutes, with a 5 minute warm-up and 5 minute cool-down. I was on my last interval and really struggling, only one minute to go. I CAN DO IT! Then finally the minute counts down and I can walk again, I'm done running. At this time the song ends and a new one begins. My MP3 player is on shuffle, so you just never know what you are going to get.
Christina Agulara's song, Beautiful, came on. And I burst into tears.
I did it, I ran what I had planned, not a minute short and not for anyone else but ME. I AM Beautiful, no matter what you say.
What a great way to end a run. I am beautiful. Sweat dripping off of my brow, smelly and red faced.
This is how beautiful looks to me.
So I had decided that I was doing 32 minutes of a run/walk, running 4 minutes and walking 2 minutes, with a 5 minute warm-up and 5 minute cool-down. I was on my last interval and really struggling, only one minute to go. I CAN DO IT! Then finally the minute counts down and I can walk again, I'm done running. At this time the song ends and a new one begins. My MP3 player is on shuffle, so you just never know what you are going to get.
Christina Agulara's song, Beautiful, came on. And I burst into tears.
I did it, I ran what I had planned, not a minute short and not for anyone else but ME. I AM Beautiful, no matter what you say.
What a great way to end a run. I am beautiful. Sweat dripping off of my brow, smelly and red faced.
This is how beautiful looks to me.
The Year of No Excuses
Yesterday as I was running I was thinking to myself that is what I am going to call this year.
For the first time since I had Harris I have made it past the two week point on BFL. I'm working out on a regular basis, and running on a regular basis, and eating GOOD on a regular basis while taking only ONE free day, instead of two or three. And finally, I am seeing a consistent loss of weight. While I was fooling myself last year thinking that I was trying really hard and my body wouldn't let me lose the weight, I know now that I just wasn't trying hard enough.
It's only two weeks in, but it's a milestone for me. I still want to eat right through all of my meals and I don't want to cheat in any major way. And most days, I don't feel starved all day long, which has been the point of collapse for me in the past. I'm tired of making excuses for myself as to why I'm not the size I want to be. It's not like I want to be supermodel skinny, I just want to be a healthier size, I'm thinking about 19-20% body fat, for a weigh-in of about 155-160lbs. That seems reasonable to me. Maybe when I get there I won't be happy with it, but at least it won't totally kill me to stay at that size and I know it's a manageable weight for me. I've done it before, I can do it again.
My other mindset is, of course, the running. I am really enjoying it. I mean, it's not like I LOVE to get on that treadmill and run, I still labor through and just get it done. But I love that "runners high" I get in the end, it's addicting. I feel proud of myself, which motivates me to move on. And then there is Junior, he's just as committed as me, which is a change that I haven't seen in him for the past few years. It's easy being lazy and eating whatever you want. Getting off of your ass and exercising after work or when the kids have gone to bed is tough. As much as I would love to sit on the couch with a big handful of bon-bons and watch "my shows" for a few hours in the afternoon while Harris is sleeping and the girls are at school, it's just not worth it. What IS worth it is feeling better about who I am, being proud of me again. Not hiding behind big, bulky sweaters and layered shirts. And I know that Junior is feeling the same way as me. The only way to feeling good again is to go through a bit of pain first, and once it's a habit, then we start to reap the benefits of that new lifestyle.
I know I'm not going to feel this way every day. But when I DO feel down and low and just want to grab that big 'ol bag of chips, hopefully I can dig deep and remember this feeling.
I picture myself when I am running on that treadmill with wind blowing through my hair, striding long and confident. Not gasping for air, just running along enjoying what I am doing. I have been there before and it was a great place to be. I want to be "that" person that you watch running down the street, with such confidence and grace, looking great in her running gear. That is the picture I hold in my head when the going gets tough and the contents in the fridge are calling my name.
For the first time since I had Harris I have made it past the two week point on BFL. I'm working out on a regular basis, and running on a regular basis, and eating GOOD on a regular basis while taking only ONE free day, instead of two or three. And finally, I am seeing a consistent loss of weight. While I was fooling myself last year thinking that I was trying really hard and my body wouldn't let me lose the weight, I know now that I just wasn't trying hard enough.
It's only two weeks in, but it's a milestone for me. I still want to eat right through all of my meals and I don't want to cheat in any major way. And most days, I don't feel starved all day long, which has been the point of collapse for me in the past. I'm tired of making excuses for myself as to why I'm not the size I want to be. It's not like I want to be supermodel skinny, I just want to be a healthier size, I'm thinking about 19-20% body fat, for a weigh-in of about 155-160lbs. That seems reasonable to me. Maybe when I get there I won't be happy with it, but at least it won't totally kill me to stay at that size and I know it's a manageable weight for me. I've done it before, I can do it again.
My other mindset is, of course, the running. I am really enjoying it. I mean, it's not like I LOVE to get on that treadmill and run, I still labor through and just get it done. But I love that "runners high" I get in the end, it's addicting. I feel proud of myself, which motivates me to move on. And then there is Junior, he's just as committed as me, which is a change that I haven't seen in him for the past few years. It's easy being lazy and eating whatever you want. Getting off of your ass and exercising after work or when the kids have gone to bed is tough. As much as I would love to sit on the couch with a big handful of bon-bons and watch "my shows" for a few hours in the afternoon while Harris is sleeping and the girls are at school, it's just not worth it. What IS worth it is feeling better about who I am, being proud of me again. Not hiding behind big, bulky sweaters and layered shirts. And I know that Junior is feeling the same way as me. The only way to feeling good again is to go through a bit of pain first, and once it's a habit, then we start to reap the benefits of that new lifestyle.
I know I'm not going to feel this way every day. But when I DO feel down and low and just want to grab that big 'ol bag of chips, hopefully I can dig deep and remember this feeling.
I picture myself when I am running on that treadmill with wind blowing through my hair, striding long and confident. Not gasping for air, just running along enjoying what I am doing. I have been there before and it was a great place to be. I want to be "that" person that you watch running down the street, with such confidence and grace, looking great in her running gear. That is the picture I hold in my head when the going gets tough and the contents in the fridge are calling my name.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
A tad overwhelmed...
OK, so may it's more like totally, totally overwhelmed.
Last night we had a meeting with the Developmental Clinic Team, Ash's teachers, the school principal and Junior and I. I went in with low expectations, and wasn't disappointed. The "team" gave their information from all of the testing that Ash received and the teachers sat and listened. They gave some answers when asked, but basically didn't say anything. The resource teacher spent her time being defensive. I have this feeling from her that she thinks I'm a little stupid for pushing for the testing since Ash is "so young" and can't be officially diagnosed until next year. And Ash's teacher, Mrs. O, spent her time looking confused. Anyhow, the team gave thieir information and then gave their recommendations. And the bulk of what they recommended the school is already doing, other than providing Ash with a computer to learn to type ("they don't learn that until grade 3!"), which the team also said would be difficult for Ash to learn anyhow, but once learned is a good thing to know with her difficulties with writing. But the school doesn't have the resources to do that so it's kind of a moot point, or something we have to teach at home. Great.
Here's a summary of what Ash's results were:
- Ash presents with a complex developmental and behavioral profile. Although she is not at a grade level where she can be formally diagnosed with a Learning Disability, she is at significant risk for a Learning Disability in Reading.
- continues to show high average ability to process and reason with verbally presented information (82nd percentile)
- Has low average ability to process and reason with visually-presented information (16th percentile)
- performed below average on all tasks that assessed the visual-spatial and/or visual organization abilities
- Her auditory working memory appears to be low average for her age and short-term memory for visual information (when no reasoning required) appears to be low average to average.
- In Occupational Therapy and Physiotherapy testing gives Ash a percentil rank of 12 in Gross Motor testing when combined with Fine motor subtests. In the Gross motor subtests she received a percentile rank of 21 on Body Co-ordination and a 14 on Strength and Agility subtests. On a movement test she scored a 6th percentile.
- Efficient gross motor functioning requires a balance between stability and mobility. Ash is starting from a foundation of hypermobile joints (very loose and hyper-extended) and low tone. A frequently observed compensatory strategy that Ash uses is to over-stabilize herself. Hence, Ash has solid static balance skills, however her dynamic balance is less secure. This means that when she must balance while moving, she has greater difficulty...When confronted with complex movements, even symmetrical ones such as jumping jacks, she quickly lost synchronization of her limbs. She became overwhelmed and confused and her limbs moved randomly.
- Notes from the Educational Consultant: Ash was observed in her Grade 2 class during a Language Arts lesson involving letter writing. Ash copied the notes down slowly. She responded correctly, albeit slowly, to a question posed by her teacher. Ash did not appear to be hyperactive, rather she was more inattentive. She was off task more than she was on-task. The written language task did seem hard for Ash. The teacher cued Ash to follow a direction to clear her desk. Ash did not have shoes on her feet and has difficulty tying shoelaces, according to her teacher. Mrs. O commented that without direct support, Ash produces a miminal amount of work.
So with all of this we have a Developmental Coordination Disorder and a "possibility" of a reading learning disability. The possibility thing really pisses me off, because it's not like things are going to change in the next year. But with all of this testing done, next year when she CAN be diagnosed it shouldn't take much to get the school psychologist to diagnose. I say that now, but I'm sure it won't be an easy task, nothing with the school seems to be easy.
I'm happy to have the notes in my hand because now I have something to work with. But on the other hand, I don't really know where to go from here. Apparently if I have any questions I can call any of the therapists and chat with them, but I just don't know where to start. I've looked up some general Learning Disability web sites, but don't really know where to go from there. I'm starting to feel like school isn't going to work, maybe we need to hold-back this year? I mean, if she is at a early grade 1 level, then by next year at this time wouldn't she be at a grade 2 level, so grade 2 would be a good place for her? But I just don't know. I have this feeling of not knowing where to start. And the usual, not knowing how to help. I guess there isn't an easy help at this stage. But I just hate seeing her fail over and over again.
It goes with the swimming failure. A sport that is supposed to be great for her, with her over-flexible limbs and all, but with her coordination and endurance difficulties it is posing great difficulty. We have enrolled in level 3 for the 4th time, and she is getting quite defeated. Ugh. And when the swimming instructors are all teenagers it's hard to chat with them and have them understand something like a developmental disorder. If they could make balancing on one foot and not moving a sport, then Ash would get the Gold I tell ya.
Last night we had a meeting with the Developmental Clinic Team, Ash's teachers, the school principal and Junior and I. I went in with low expectations, and wasn't disappointed. The "team" gave their information from all of the testing that Ash received and the teachers sat and listened. They gave some answers when asked, but basically didn't say anything. The resource teacher spent her time being defensive. I have this feeling from her that she thinks I'm a little stupid for pushing for the testing since Ash is "so young" and can't be officially diagnosed until next year. And Ash's teacher, Mrs. O, spent her time looking confused. Anyhow, the team gave thieir information and then gave their recommendations. And the bulk of what they recommended the school is already doing, other than providing Ash with a computer to learn to type ("they don't learn that until grade 3!"), which the team also said would be difficult for Ash to learn anyhow, but once learned is a good thing to know with her difficulties with writing. But the school doesn't have the resources to do that so it's kind of a moot point, or something we have to teach at home. Great.
Here's a summary of what Ash's results were:
- Ash presents with a complex developmental and behavioral profile. Although she is not at a grade level where she can be formally diagnosed with a Learning Disability, she is at significant risk for a Learning Disability in Reading.
- continues to show high average ability to process and reason with verbally presented information (82nd percentile)
- Has low average ability to process and reason with visually-presented information (16th percentile)
- performed below average on all tasks that assessed the visual-spatial and/or visual organization abilities
- Her auditory working memory appears to be low average for her age and short-term memory for visual information (when no reasoning required) appears to be low average to average.
- In Occupational Therapy and Physiotherapy testing gives Ash a percentil rank of 12 in Gross Motor testing when combined with Fine motor subtests. In the Gross motor subtests she received a percentile rank of 21 on Body Co-ordination and a 14 on Strength and Agility subtests. On a movement test she scored a 6th percentile.
- Efficient gross motor functioning requires a balance between stability and mobility. Ash is starting from a foundation of hypermobile joints (very loose and hyper-extended) and low tone. A frequently observed compensatory strategy that Ash uses is to over-stabilize herself. Hence, Ash has solid static balance skills, however her dynamic balance is less secure. This means that when she must balance while moving, she has greater difficulty...When confronted with complex movements, even symmetrical ones such as jumping jacks, she quickly lost synchronization of her limbs. She became overwhelmed and confused and her limbs moved randomly.
- Notes from the Educational Consultant: Ash was observed in her Grade 2 class during a Language Arts lesson involving letter writing. Ash copied the notes down slowly. She responded correctly, albeit slowly, to a question posed by her teacher. Ash did not appear to be hyperactive, rather she was more inattentive. She was off task more than she was on-task. The written language task did seem hard for Ash. The teacher cued Ash to follow a direction to clear her desk. Ash did not have shoes on her feet and has difficulty tying shoelaces, according to her teacher. Mrs. O commented that without direct support, Ash produces a miminal amount of work.
So with all of this we have a Developmental Coordination Disorder and a "possibility" of a reading learning disability. The possibility thing really pisses me off, because it's not like things are going to change in the next year. But with all of this testing done, next year when she CAN be diagnosed it shouldn't take much to get the school psychologist to diagnose. I say that now, but I'm sure it won't be an easy task, nothing with the school seems to be easy.
I'm happy to have the notes in my hand because now I have something to work with. But on the other hand, I don't really know where to go from here. Apparently if I have any questions I can call any of the therapists and chat with them, but I just don't know where to start. I've looked up some general Learning Disability web sites, but don't really know where to go from there. I'm starting to feel like school isn't going to work, maybe we need to hold-back this year? I mean, if she is at a early grade 1 level, then by next year at this time wouldn't she be at a grade 2 level, so grade 2 would be a good place for her? But I just don't know. I have this feeling of not knowing where to start. And the usual, not knowing how to help. I guess there isn't an easy help at this stage. But I just hate seeing her fail over and over again.
It goes with the swimming failure. A sport that is supposed to be great for her, with her over-flexible limbs and all, but with her coordination and endurance difficulties it is posing great difficulty. We have enrolled in level 3 for the 4th time, and she is getting quite defeated. Ugh. And when the swimming instructors are all teenagers it's hard to chat with them and have them understand something like a developmental disorder. If they could make balancing on one foot and not moving a sport, then Ash would get the Gold I tell ya.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Blah...blah...blah...
Wow.
Happy Birthday to ME! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
So I'm on the workout and diet bandwagon. Back at it for another happy year. I have been miserable and hungry for the past week but so far so good. I know that things will get better and my body will get used to lower calories, it's not like I am starving myself at 1300-1500 calories per day, but it sure feels like it! So far I have lost a few pounds and my clothes are feeling a bit looser. I've lost the post-Christmas bloat anyhow. Now it's time to get onto losing the actual weight that has been hanging off of me for the past few years. I've got 25 pounds to lose and I CAN do it.
I was running on the treadmill the other day, doing my run/walk thing, and for the last few minutes I was having to chant to myself "I can go the distance!". It's hokey but it worked. I got the run in and felt good. And even today I got my LBWO in as well as my run that I missed yesterday. So I've gotten all weekly workouts in. And I am starving, but it's all good. Right?
Anyhow, things have been going well. The kids are off of school for a few more days, they finally head back on Monday, but we have all enjoyed the break. I haven't gotten to the point where I am totally ready for them to go back, so it's been quite nice. We've kept busy doing this and that. We even made time for a sleepover, Ash went to her friend K's house and Dawn had two of her friend's over, and I got them to bed at a decent time. It was really quite fun! Sometimes I amaze myself.
Tuesday after school is the big meeting between the Doctors from the Diagnostic Clinic, the teachers and us, the parents. I'm hoping that it's a bit more informative than the parent meeting was. I'm starting to feel a bit nervous about it, but really it's silly, it's not like anything is going to change. The school isn't going to suddenly offer any additional services and we won't suddenly have a miracle solution to school for Ash. But I'm nervous just the same.
And one last thing. Last night I got my hair cut. I tried to find a picture but couldn't, and so I explained as best I could at how I wanted my hair cut. Short, but not too short because it spikes, not around my face and really short in the back. I came out with the hairdresser's cut. Long-ish short in front and totally in my face, short in back, but not short enough. She left these awful little pointy sideburns on my face, that I asked to be cut shorter (or off) twice and I had to cut them myself today. I came out of the salon and cried in the car and then raged about how I keep getting the same "Mommy" haircut time and time again. My friend Anna keeps telling me to go to her stylist, but she's in Calgary and I'm not and I don't want to have a hairdresser that is so far away. I'm so tired of getting crappy haircuts, I'm almost at the point of just growing my hair out to spite them. Or maybe I will pay $15 for a cheap haircut at El Cheapo Cut and get a crappy haircut there, because then I won't be pissed that I paid too much money for the same dam haircut. I just don't understand why I can't find myself a nice, competent hairdresser that will do what I ask. I want my Janelle back, why did she have to go and get all allergic to hair! Boo hoo...
Happy Birthday to ME! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
So I'm on the workout and diet bandwagon. Back at it for another happy year. I have been miserable and hungry for the past week but so far so good. I know that things will get better and my body will get used to lower calories, it's not like I am starving myself at 1300-1500 calories per day, but it sure feels like it! So far I have lost a few pounds and my clothes are feeling a bit looser. I've lost the post-Christmas bloat anyhow. Now it's time to get onto losing the actual weight that has been hanging off of me for the past few years. I've got 25 pounds to lose and I CAN do it.
I was running on the treadmill the other day, doing my run/walk thing, and for the last few minutes I was having to chant to myself "I can go the distance!". It's hokey but it worked. I got the run in and felt good. And even today I got my LBWO in as well as my run that I missed yesterday. So I've gotten all weekly workouts in. And I am starving, but it's all good. Right?
Anyhow, things have been going well. The kids are off of school for a few more days, they finally head back on Monday, but we have all enjoyed the break. I haven't gotten to the point where I am totally ready for them to go back, so it's been quite nice. We've kept busy doing this and that. We even made time for a sleepover, Ash went to her friend K's house and Dawn had two of her friend's over, and I got them to bed at a decent time. It was really quite fun! Sometimes I amaze myself.
Tuesday after school is the big meeting between the Doctors from the Diagnostic Clinic, the teachers and us, the parents. I'm hoping that it's a bit more informative than the parent meeting was. I'm starting to feel a bit nervous about it, but really it's silly, it's not like anything is going to change. The school isn't going to suddenly offer any additional services and we won't suddenly have a miracle solution to school for Ash. But I'm nervous just the same.
And one last thing. Last night I got my hair cut. I tried to find a picture but couldn't, and so I explained as best I could at how I wanted my hair cut. Short, but not too short because it spikes, not around my face and really short in the back. I came out with the hairdresser's cut. Long-ish short in front and totally in my face, short in back, but not short enough. She left these awful little pointy sideburns on my face, that I asked to be cut shorter (or off) twice and I had to cut them myself today. I came out of the salon and cried in the car and then raged about how I keep getting the same "Mommy" haircut time and time again. My friend Anna keeps telling me to go to her stylist, but she's in Calgary and I'm not and I don't want to have a hairdresser that is so far away. I'm so tired of getting crappy haircuts, I'm almost at the point of just growing my hair out to spite them. Or maybe I will pay $15 for a cheap haircut at El Cheapo Cut and get a crappy haircut there, because then I won't be pissed that I paid too much money for the same dam haircut. I just don't understand why I can't find myself a nice, competent hairdresser that will do what I ask. I want my Janelle back, why did she have to go and get all allergic to hair! Boo hoo...
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