The worst parent? Maybe...

Well. Right now I feel like the worst parent on the face of the planet.

I have failed my daughter and made what should have been a positive experience a negative one. All by my not reading a note fully, or at least not putting it to memory. Today was Ash's Junior Chior performance, she dressed up in her prettiest dress and wore her santa hat, but failed to mention that she was supposed to bring a bowl, spoon and slippers for the performance. It was on a note sent home two weeks ago, and I may add that it was during the time period that we were in the midst of testing at the diagnostic clinic. My mind was somewhere else when we got the note home, and there was no additional reminders given. So today my daughter was sitting in the middle of the group, with a glum face. I figured she was having a case of stage fright. Then they started singing and she started crying. And then my heart broke. I was supposed to tape the whole performance for Junior, but I just couldn't do it, I couldn't videotape her pain. Then they sang the song that she needed the bowl and spoon for, she mimed her way through and I thought she did good, while still looking extremely glum and crying on and off. Finally by the middle of the perofmance she seemed to lighten up and I was able to start taping again.

Then when they were finished I came over to say hi, and I was given hell for my negligence in producing said bowl and spoon. And she was off crying again. I think it had more to do with stage fright than the missing articles. But still it comes down to me not putting the note to memory and supplying the stuff. At least that would have taken my part in it out of the equation.

This wouldn't be such a big deal, and I wouldn't be such a blubbering mess if it weren't for the week we have just had. She was accused of punching a girl in the stomach on Friday, and the mother of the girl confronted Ash with it. She didn't do it, and I believe her. It's not that I don't believe she could do anything bad, far from it, it's just that she's not capable of lying. I think it's more a matter of Ash bumping said girl (T) in an argument (as Ash was storming off) and T taking it as a personal affront. The girls do NOT like each other and are in the middle of a battle over another girl's (K) playtime. T doesn't want to share any time with K, she wants her all to herself, she doesn't like Ash so when Ash wants to play with K (who she is in Brownies with) she won't let K play with her and won't let Ash play together with them. It's a mess, and stupid, and frustrating for all parties involved. At least for K, her Mom, Ash and I. I have no idea about T and her Mom. Funny aside, T's Mom is the one Ash called "evil" a while back. Nice.

Anyhow, then after dealing with the emotional fallout from that all weekend, on Monday Ash was being a bitch to her teachers and got in a fight with yet another girl, one that she likes and plays with. Ugh! I am tired. Luckily that one has blown over quickly and everyone is happy again. And after, yet another, stern talking to Ash is back to working in school and being polite to her teachers. Then last night, after a great day at school, the girls had their last swimming lesson, and neither passed. Dawn is fine with it, she really didn't care if she passed or not. But Ash was devastated, this was her third time around in Level 3, and still nothing. She thinks that she isn't getting better and there is no way she will ever pass. Another round of tears. And then today.

I am really looking forward to school being over and the break coming as I just can't handle any more emotional turmoil. I finally broke down today after the performance (in the car) and couldn't stop bawling for a good 10 minutes. I'm tired of having everything a struggle. Why can't there be anything easy for Ash. Nothing she has tried has just come to her, she struggles with everything and I can see her spirit just being crushed on a daily basis. I want to create some success, but I just don't know how to do it. There is the mother bear in me that just wanted to pick her up and run from to school today and never come back, but I know that's not going to work for us. I WANT to be that parent that gives up everything to homeschool my kids, but I don't think I'm that person. I don't think I have it in me.

I think that right now we both need some success. We both need to feel like there is some moving forward, because it just doesn't feel like that right now.

I have wanted to write, to say something for weeks now, but I just couldn't. I have been overwhelmed with my feelings and my mind has been frozen.