Happy Birthday Sistah!

Today is my big sister's birthday. She is two years and two days older than me. So that means right now she is officially 3 years older than me. He, he....

Anyhow. Tomorrow is our joint birthday party, we get together every year to celebrate, I don't remember a time in the past 10 years that we haven't been able to do it. And I am SO excited. She is at my parents place right now, with her husband and two boys.

I haven't seen my dear sis, Suzy, since she moved away in late August. We talk on the phone but it's just not the same. I miss her dearly. She only lived close to me for 6 months (but it was great being able to just come out and visit for an afternoon), and before that she was living on her farm which was 2 1/2 hours away. I have wanted to come visit her (she is now almost 4 hours away) but she has been renovating her house and it just didn't seem feasible. It makes me sad to think that it is so tough to see her, so as with all of those emotional things, I just shove it back there until it bubbles over. Today I had a little cry (just a teeny little one) about how much I miss her. I hate how her life has taken her so far away. And I don't like that I barely know my beautiful nephews.

When she lived on the farm we never went more than a few months in between visits. The kids and I would pack up and head down for a lazy weekend visiting the animals. Suzy and I would spend long hours chatting about life and the kids would play. This past year has been so hectic, with two moves for her and dealing with kids in school and extra curricular stuff, it just doesn't feel like we can get it together to see one another. I'm hoping that things will calm down and we will see each other more. It's something to work towards.

Oh, and so is our joint goal of running a half-marathon. She ran my first 5K and 10Ks with me this year, and could have easily blown me away if she had wanted. I know that she has been training a lot harder than me, even with my treadmill. I'm thinking of signing up for something in June, that gives me 6 months, 3 months to get up to 10K mileage again (and run another race) and then another 3 months for half-marathon mileage. If it weren't for her I would probably give up. But I gotta do it, my big sister said so!

Happy Birthday Suzy! I love you.

The worst parent? Maybe...

Well. Right now I feel like the worst parent on the face of the planet.

I have failed my daughter and made what should have been a positive experience a negative one. All by my not reading a note fully, or at least not putting it to memory. Today was Ash's Junior Chior performance, she dressed up in her prettiest dress and wore her santa hat, but failed to mention that she was supposed to bring a bowl, spoon and slippers for the performance. It was on a note sent home two weeks ago, and I may add that it was during the time period that we were in the midst of testing at the diagnostic clinic. My mind was somewhere else when we got the note home, and there was no additional reminders given. So today my daughter was sitting in the middle of the group, with a glum face. I figured she was having a case of stage fright. Then they started singing and she started crying. And then my heart broke. I was supposed to tape the whole performance for Junior, but I just couldn't do it, I couldn't videotape her pain. Then they sang the song that she needed the bowl and spoon for, she mimed her way through and I thought she did good, while still looking extremely glum and crying on and off. Finally by the middle of the perofmance she seemed to lighten up and I was able to start taping again.

Then when they were finished I came over to say hi, and I was given hell for my negligence in producing said bowl and spoon. And she was off crying again. I think it had more to do with stage fright than the missing articles. But still it comes down to me not putting the note to memory and supplying the stuff. At least that would have taken my part in it out of the equation.

This wouldn't be such a big deal, and I wouldn't be such a blubbering mess if it weren't for the week we have just had. She was accused of punching a girl in the stomach on Friday, and the mother of the girl confronted Ash with it. She didn't do it, and I believe her. It's not that I don't believe she could do anything bad, far from it, it's just that she's not capable of lying. I think it's more a matter of Ash bumping said girl (T) in an argument (as Ash was storming off) and T taking it as a personal affront. The girls do NOT like each other and are in the middle of a battle over another girl's (K) playtime. T doesn't want to share any time with K, she wants her all to herself, she doesn't like Ash so when Ash wants to play with K (who she is in Brownies with) she won't let K play with her and won't let Ash play together with them. It's a mess, and stupid, and frustrating for all parties involved. At least for K, her Mom, Ash and I. I have no idea about T and her Mom. Funny aside, T's Mom is the one Ash called "evil" a while back. Nice.

Anyhow, then after dealing with the emotional fallout from that all weekend, on Monday Ash was being a bitch to her teachers and got in a fight with yet another girl, one that she likes and plays with. Ugh! I am tired. Luckily that one has blown over quickly and everyone is happy again. And after, yet another, stern talking to Ash is back to working in school and being polite to her teachers. Then last night, after a great day at school, the girls had their last swimming lesson, and neither passed. Dawn is fine with it, she really didn't care if she passed or not. But Ash was devastated, this was her third time around in Level 3, and still nothing. She thinks that she isn't getting better and there is no way she will ever pass. Another round of tears. And then today.

I am really looking forward to school being over and the break coming as I just can't handle any more emotional turmoil. I finally broke down today after the performance (in the car) and couldn't stop bawling for a good 10 minutes. I'm tired of having everything a struggle. Why can't there be anything easy for Ash. Nothing she has tried has just come to her, she struggles with everything and I can see her spirit just being crushed on a daily basis. I want to create some success, but I just don't know how to do it. There is the mother bear in me that just wanted to pick her up and run from to school today and never come back, but I know that's not going to work for us. I WANT to be that parent that gives up everything to homeschool my kids, but I don't think I'm that person. I don't think I have it in me.

I think that right now we both need some success. We both need to feel like there is some moving forward, because it just doesn't feel like that right now.

I have wanted to write, to say something for weeks now, but I just couldn't. I have been overwhelmed with my feelings and my mind has been frozen.

Buying in...or selling out?

I'm having a hard time deciding which it is. But whatever it is I am doing it.

I've kneeled down to Disney and kissed their ass, and bought into the Cars movie marketing.

I'm at odds with myself for doing it. I have hated anything princess for quite a while now. It's just so done, I'm over it, really. It's cute to have a little girl saying she wants to be a princess someday, but when it's everything princess, it's just too much. Disney perpetuates the whole Princess thing and it really drives me crazy. I have bought very little in the way of princess paraphanelia and I'm buying less and less as the whole thing goes on. I've even told the girls that next year for Halloween they are going to be something, anything, other than a princess.

But when it comes to Cars, I guess it's just something new and different. And Harris, he LOVES them. We have watched the movie more times than I choose to count and have, I believe, three differnt styles of Lightening McQueen cars, two Maters and one The King, as well as a sheet and duvet cover set. I've now decided to paint Harris's room in a Cars theme.

Oh what have I done?! I know that Junior thinks that I have lost my mind, but he is just going along with it (laughing all the way), he lets me take the reins in most of the decorating (especially the kids rooms). To my defence I did paint Ash's old room is princess pink and purple (I still love the room, it looks like gingham), and did Dawn's room in blue sky and white fluffy clouds. So it's not like I haven't gone out there with painting kids rooms. It's just that I've never went out and bought the decals, bought the sheet sets and shirts to make it all match so well. I think I've lost my mind.

Dam Disney and their savvy marketing team! They got me.

I can't wait to get started! But probably not for another couple of weeks, maybe when my in-laws can take the kids for a few days so I can really get after it.