When you have a baby you worry. Will he be safe? Will he be happy? Will he sleep? Is he eating enough? You think to yourself, how will I make it through?! This is SO tough.
When they get older you think, it can't get any harder! He's into everything! He keeps touching things that he shouldn't! Why-oh-why is this potty training thing SO hard?!
When they hit preschool you breathe a sigh of relief. He's gaining independence. He's making his own friends and such a joy, things are great.
Basically you lull yourself into believing that you've gone through the tough stuff until the teenage years. How can elementary school be hard? It's just learning to read and learning how to count. Right?
HA! I laugh in your face. That baby stuff? It was easy! I can handle a little sleep deprivation, the poopy diapers and the fussy-ness (at least the average stuff). That stuff never made me cry, not as much as I have cried over grade 2 (or grade 1 or kindergarten). I never felt like an absolute failure as a parent the same way as I do right now.
I'm doing my best, but that's not going to help when Ash's teacher looks at me with pleading eyes and says "She's struggling and I don't know what to do for her". WTF!!?? She's the teacher! She is supposed to have answers, she's not supposed to be looking to ME for answers? Doesn't she realize that I'm winging it? I don't know anything when it comes to getting through to kids. She's the one that used to be a resource teacher!
We have only 3 weeks to go until the testing happens, a month until we get those test results back. And it can't come soon enough. Maybe the Dr's will have answers and I can feel like I'm helping again, because right now I just don't know.
Although my one positive from today is that I didn't cry when I had a little chat with the Principal of the school. Phew. I guess I got it all out in front of Ash's teacher and the school aid in the classroom. And I felt like the principal actually listened to me and was willing to help me get an interim IPP for Ash until we have the precious diagnosis that the school so desperately needs. He's supposed to call me back tomorrow to let me know what's going on at his end.
It's all baby stepping for Blues Clues, and I want to giant step for them. This stuff takes too much time. It's been almost a year since we started this whole testing process!
I want to go back in time to when Ash was a baby. A smiling, giggling, happy baby and just BE again. I want to go back to being blissfully un-aware of the trouble ahead, because back then I didn't know how easy I had it.
Two times in the past month I have had two separate people tell me, as I was crying, that "being a Mom is hard". I agree, fully.
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I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. That testing can't come quick enough... I thought babyhood was hard too - until my kids got older. Which is probably why I'm enjoying babyhood third time around so much more - because I know that this is as good as it gets!
I'm thinking of you and hoping you'll have the answers you need soon.
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